With Christmas fast approaching, the good folks at Obake Books thought it might be time to chat with one of the star characters from Big Crow and Little Pumpkin’s festive holiday book, The Grumpus. Please find below a transcript of this meeting:

Leigh: Hello, and thank you for your time today Mr. Grumpus.

Grumpus: My agent told me to be here, but sure.

Leigh: ….Okay. How about we jump straight in?

Grumpus: It’s your interview.

Leigh: *Softy to self* If it was, I’d be happier about it…

Grumpus: What was that?

Leigh: Nothing. So, tell us about yourself, who IS Edward G. Grumpus?

Grumpus: I’m a troll.

Leigh: A troll? How marvellous. And what is a troll?

Grumpus: You don’t know what a troll is?

Leigh: I do, but I don’t assume everyone knows everything; maybe someone reading this doesn’t?

Grumpus:  What? Didn’t they go to school?

Leigh: Uh, sorry, who didn’t go to school?

Grumpus: The person. The person who doesn’t know what trolls are? Did their parents not send them to school? Or at least read them a book? They raised a dummy by being so negligent!

Leigh: I don’t think you can say dummy anymore, and we’ve gotten wildly off track. Could you please explain to me what a troll is.

Grumpus: Oh, so you’re the chowder? Why are you trying to pretend you know what a troll is when you clearly have no idea? I’ll tell you if you just ask honestly.

Leigh: No. I KNOW what a troll is; I was just saying that maybe other…”

Grumpus: Yeah, yeah, I heard. Other People. It’s always someone else, huh? Why don’t you take responsibility for once? Stop projecting.

Leigh: Projecting? I’m not. I’m trying to give people information. I’m trying to get you to explain to THEM what a troll is. Do you live under a bridge? Do you eat goats? Do you have long ties to Scandinavian mythology that, over time, has been subverted and reduced almost mockingly to align with a more gentrified Western viewpoint?

Grumpus: Bridges, huh? Where did you get that from? That’s Trollist, that is. Bridges, BAH! And the goat thing? Why not? Have you never eaten a goat before? It’s delicious.

Leigh: I see. My apologies. So, where do you live?

Grumpus: In a cave.

Leigh: Ah, finally!

Grumpus: Under a bridge.

Leigh: The cave is under the bridge…?

Grumpus: What? No! The bridge is IN the cave. I live there, under that, and inside the other.

Leigh: Why is there a bridge in a cave?

Grumpus: To cross over it. Geez, maybe you didn’t go to school after all.

Leigh: Okay. Forget it. Let’s talk about your part in this book.

Grumpus: I’m in it.

Leigh: Care to elaborate?

Grumpus: If you insist. So, I was sitting at home, under my bridge, eating a goat leg, and suddenly I sniffs something in the wind. Turns out this bird and pumpkin are having an argument. It was the craziest thing you ever heard! But there is nothing finer to a troll’s sense of smell than a disagreement, especially around the holidays. Makes us go all tingly. Well, as I said, they were going for it, so I slipped down the mountain and, being neighbourly, asked for a cup of sugar, so to speak! Hehehe!

Leigh: From what I recall, you smashed up their house.

Grumpus: Yeah, sure, I might have done that too.

Leigh: Hmm. To back up a little. You mentioned the whole sniffing out arguments thing? How does that work? It seems arbitrary.

Grumpus: Magic.

Leigh: That’s all?

Grumpus: What more do you want? Magic is magic; you don’t need to explain it! You just wave your hands about, and it’s there.

Leigh: I doubt it’s that easy.

Grumpus: Says the person who never went to school! No, I’m very serious. I’m now taking an interest in your learning, seeing as your parents never did. So, give it a try. Just whizz them about and I’ll help you.

Leigh: This is silly.

Grumopus: It’s sillier to not try. Come on, what’s to lose?

Leigh: Okay. *waves hands about dramatically* See, nothing.

Grumpus: Hey, Huck Finn, you forgot the words.

Leigh: Words?!

Grumpus: Yeah, the magic words. The waving is essential but ultimately useless without the words. You’re just swattin’ at flies doing that.

Leigh: Right. So what are the words?

Grumpus: Repeat after me: “Filigree apogee pedigree perigee.“

Leigh: Where have I heard that before?

Grumpus: Skip it, just say the words.

Leigh: If I get a letter from Dinesy’s lawyers, I’m coming for you. Now, what was it? Oh yes Filigree apogee pedigree perigee!

At this point, the interviewer turned into a small green toad.

Grumpus: Baaahahaha! And THAT’S what a troll is! Hahahaha! Merry Christmas sucker!

Leigh-Toad: Ribit.

END TRANSCRIPT.